You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
