Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
