Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
