My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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