i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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