Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
