I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
ok first of all what the fuck
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
