this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
