I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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