What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize