hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
