after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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