your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Every concussion has its silver lining
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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