We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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