so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
