just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
