ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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