a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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