i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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