he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
