im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
