My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
