apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I love having hate sex.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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