there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
