i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
