so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
