You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
