just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
