I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
