You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
