Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
