A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
