Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
