Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
