normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
false alarm. still invincible.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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