you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
