At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
