if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
