The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
