im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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