My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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