Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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