actually, I'm a sock model
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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