Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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