I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
