I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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