He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize