my phone needs a breathalizer
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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