I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
