Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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