My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
everyone is single if you try hard enough
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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