i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
