She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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