the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
