dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
