Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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