I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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